EST 1/23/18
One year ago today, (well, yesterday, but I write in the wee hours of the morning) I attracted a fork into the road of my life. I wasn’t consciously working towards this occurrence. In fact, I felt I was doing quite the opposite. Each night I wrote at least ten things I appreciated from my day, hoping to perpetuate the happy. Each morning, I attempted to taxi five kids to school or sports on time – a feat I was successful with only some days but I had found my peace in that. I was committed to my more-often-happy-than-not 4 year relationship, as well as my career partnering with the same man, and planned to spend my lifetime devoted to both.
To say I was oblivious to what would occur that day would be a lie. Of course, I didn’t ever forecast the exact detail of being strangled by the man I loved, but I have had 365 days to reflect. I can now see that subconsciously I had come to expect disrespect, anger and negativity from him, even if my conscious self would try to focus only on his strengths. I specifically chose the word ‘strangled’ because in the conversations that came afterwards, he told me ‘choked’ was too strong of a description since his hands didn’t make me struggle to breathe. Whatever word describes being knocked down to the floor by your neck followed by minutes of being held down by your neck, that’s the word I’m searching for…
I’ve promised humor and positivity in my writing. Today, I can only reach for the latter of those two. 52 weeks have given me enough time to see that day with an enlightened perspective. I am thankful that on that day, a black and white decision was laid out before me. The gray line of, “Alcohol was involved but we are normally so compatible,” wasn’t there. We had used that excuse to sweep away my tequila-induced broken foot and vodka-spurred dislocated shoulder. We couldn’t even blame an exhausting day of work and parenting – it was 8:00 am on a Monday morning.
I always knew I was strong. I created www.thewomanstrong.com in May of 2017 (just to let it sit while I worked on the company website instead). But, January 23rd made me remember my strength, not solely because 115 pound me flailed, kicked and grabbed enough to be released by a 220 pound man, but because I had to start my life over. Again. Instead of coasting through the rest of my life helping my other half achieve his dreams, I had to resurrect my head out of my ass and start reaching for my own. Hiding behind busyness as a reason to not achieve my goals was no longer acceptable.
After I was fired over email from the company I had partnered with my partner in running (on an email system I had helped establish) I soon learned that everyone receiving unemployment benefits isn’t doing so because they are lazy. I hadn’t ever considered how hard it is to find a job that is able to pay for the life that was maintained prior to needing a job. Being denied a position because of over-qualification was a concept I had only experienced while watching movies. The two words ‘humbling’ and ‘grit’ come to mind.
I traveled to Costa Rica last April (albeit on retirement money) and experienced two of the most serene, peaceful memories in solitude that I will treasure for my lifetime. That wouldn’t have happened if 1/23/18 had been a normal day for me. Nor would I have purchased the house I recently secured, making sure to never have the safety and security of my children and myself resting on the whims of someone else’s anger.
12 months ago, I realized which of my friends and family had my back. Allowing an adult to move into your home is a nice gesture, but allowing an adult plus her three children cohabitate with your family is no job for the weary. Listening to a person vent through the stages of grief all the way up to complete loathing isn’t easy as well. So, I am thankful to that day for giving me pure appreciation for my inner circle.
One evening soon after ‘my no good horrible very bad day’, I read Jordan Taylor’s article, I Was Strangled By My Ex Boyfriend, And It Was A Huge Wakeup Call. This urged my progression on my own blog. Despite my love for alone time, I was reminded how connecting with others is one of the pure joys to existence. And, since I know looking backwards only expends energy that could be used on moving forward, I thank you for letting me share this part of my past with you because in this communion, I am able to release it and move on.
So, here I am, one year older, one year wiser, and I just happened across one of Oprah’s podcasts, titled There Are No Mistakes. She said that no matter what you experience in any given moment, it is no mistake, because it is in absolute preparation for your next step in life. I can’t believe that it was an accident that I heard these words on this day. Adversity = Strength, Strength = Progression
I’m so sorry to hear your story Amanda. No one, NO ONE!, should have to deal with what you did. And to not only be mentally and physically strong enough to take care of yourself, but to also take care of those three beautiful kids is Noble, commendable, and as far as I’m concerned Heroic! I’ve always thought you were a very beautiful person from afar, but now I have an even greater respect and admiration for the truly beautiful person you are.
Sincerely,
Fred
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