Gift Giving Using the 5 Love Languages
It is December 9th and I have yet to purchase even one single Christmas gift. (Thankfully, my kids do not read my blog as this information would surely send fear down their spines). I set out to shop yesterday afternoon, Saturday being one of the two days of the week that I’m not dog-tired from work. But, as I drove closer to the mall, I was sitting through three cycles of a traffic light just to move one block. I quickly decided to ‘skurt’ my car to the nearest Planet Fitness, figuring this would be a much more productive use of my free time as it’s nearly non-existent as it is.
I have two weeks left to shop, in which there are only about four days with no work or kid’s sporting events to attend. However, I am choosing to sit here and type this instead. That should be clue enough to tell you that I didn’t receive the shopping gene that my mother passed down to my sister. These ladies love to shop! Their love of the hunt and the hustle and bustle of it all, I both shake my head at and look at and marvel. My mom has five gifts left to buy and a dining room so full of shopping bags that you have to navigate a path to get through.
While I don’t appreciate all of the commercialism that has taken away focus from the meaning behind the season, I am not a complete Scrooge. I honestly cried at this year’s remake of The Grinch because little Cindy Lou had such a perfect heart. I truly find it a blessing that so many people take time to think of how to make someone else happy at this time of the year, which is really what all of this gift giving is supposed to come down to, right?
I have a few years behind me that left me feeling hollow after all of the wrapping paper was cleaned up. This and my lack of tie to shop has me pondering how to make the most of my gifts – meaningfulness vs. quantity so to speak. I then remembered a book I read years ago after my marriages were over: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book found me through a radio talk show I happened across during a drive to work one morning. I’m not sure if I lent my copy out of if it was lost in my countless gypsy moves across the south side of Indianapolis, but I have committed the five types to my memory and I believe they will always serve useful when trying to connect with those I love. I can’t help but wonder how different my marriages would have been had I possessed the knowledge of the book before saying my vows.
The book explains that while all people enjoy receiving love in all five ways, there is usually a dominant way that resonates with a person. There is a quiz to help you identify what your love language is as well as the language of those you love, but I believe if you pay attention, most people are obvious about theirs because they show love in the way they would like to receive it. Let me explain…
The 5 Love Languages are:
*Words of Affirmation
*Physical Touch
*Gifts
*Acts of Service
*Quality Time
If you notice someone who often sends cards or writes you notes, they may receive love through Words of Affirmation. Ironically, although I enjoy connecting with others through written word, I find verbal compliments the most off-putting. The common link among most of my exes was the profession of salesman, so I have always felt like words are a big sack of bs. Some people know exactly what to say to get what they want (and I have fallen for it and been burned more than a few times). Alas, when you are trying to touch the heart of someone who appreciates words, you can’t think of why you think they are a crap load. In other words, it’s difficult to touch someone deeply using your love language when it isn’t theirs. My idea for the person who lights up when they are complimented is a container that fits their character (wine glass, small suitcase, grinder-you get the gist) with notes about what makes them awesome. Another idea is a thoughtful handwritten note inside of a journal or in a picture frame. When you think of this person, you think words, so you may be inspired to give this person a book, but you would need to explain why that title made you specifically think of them.
I have one kiddo who undoubtedly connects through touch. He leans against me or drapes his arm on my shoulder so often that I believe my spine is permanently curved. The people who receive love through touch are the huggers and pokers of the family. Chapman’s book says as adults this is the group that loves sex, so I’m going to repeat that all of us like a little bit from each of the five languages. As for Christmas gifts, though, I am thinking along the lines of a massage or pedicure gift card. Additionally, an active-type gift in which the person can use their body (my son enjoys the indoor rock-climbing gigs and the jumpy places) would make sense for these kinesthetic peeps.
It is safe to say that most young children enjoy unwrapping gifts but as they mature, if someone feels loved by receiving gifts, it stands out. I have been able to identify this by the contrast evident in my house. My daughter loves her stuff: she cleans it, organizes it, uses it and takes care of it. My son will wear a new shirt once and it will never be seen again. He leaves his things on our floor or the floors of his friend’s houses and isn’t really pent up about the whereabouts of anything. And, I have to admit, I am more like him. Of course I enjoy opening a surprise, but I have honestly been given one too many gifts that I didn’t want or need or that were from someone who was insincere and just making up for their lack of connection through a material item. I have read before that a present is something you want to give another person, meaning you want to pre-sent them with something you want them to have. I have done this numerous times when I helped Santa and the Easter Bunny give new toothbrushes to my offspring. However, a gift is something you give that the other person would want. I think the difference between those two statements is the key to connecting with someone who feels love through gifts. True to form, my girl, who feels love through gifts is the only one in the house who has written a list and posted it prominently on the front of the fridge. While I would rather pre-sent her with a new set of school pants, she has made it clear that receiving fuzzy socks and pore cleaner will make her happy and I’m quite happy to oblige.
I’m certain that my parents will some day have their pictures next to the very definition of Acts of Service. My dad has rushed out to fix the cars and appliances of family and friends for as long as I can recall and my mom has sewed buttons, gotten out stains and hemmed tears more times than I can count. They have been married nearly 60 years and although I know couples do not have to have the same love language for their relationship to last, I can’t help but think their connection has been helped because the dominant way they receive and give love is a match. She makes him breakfast, he makes sure her dishwasher is always in working order. He grills dinner and she massages his sore neck. I have come to realize that my mom sees tackling the efforts that come with shopping and wrapping as an Act of Service for those she is buying for, which is why she goes at it whole-heartedly with a vengeance. When it comes to giving these two a gift, I must think outside the box. At 72, my mom could use help vacuuming after hosting the family Christmas dinner and my father enjoys having a tight-looking vehicle. While homemade coupon books worked when I was 12, I now just listen closely to what they say they need to get done and act from there. When the time I can offer to complete an act is skimpy, I can pay to have something done for them, or at least provide them with items that allow them to provide their services to others (i.e. tools for Dad).
I have saved my love language for last: Quality Time. I took my three to a Colt’s game a few weeks ago, and my oldest son told me multiple times how much fun he had and how much he appreciated us all going together. He and I enjoy experiences more than material things. I know that providing him with time at a concert with his friends would be more meaningful to him than a new sweatshirt. My mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas (so she could finish up those last 5 presents) and I answered that I would rather go out to dinner or to an event with her more than opening anything. Her reply: “So, you’re saying a gift card?” 🙂 So, while I do not expect all of the gift-givers in my life to understand my love language, since time is a big deal to me, I can appreciate the time anyone invests while purchasing something for me.
The best gift I can bestow to those I encounter is to offer the most cheerful, high-spirited self I can be. Therefore, I am committed to not submitting myself to the traffic and crowds that will create a grumpy, tired me. I am going to sit here on this couch and succumb to some of that marketing that insists all of my loved ones must have something to unwrap on Christmas. However, I am taking a moment to think of what will touch and resonate with their love language instead of just buying something because I have to and marking them off of my People-I-Have-To-Buy-For-List. Making Christmas shopping love-connected and peaceful will keep me vibing high and a happy me is an awesome gift for all of those I come into contact with during this season and throughout 2019.
I love this read! I remember clearly years ago (approximately 6) when you shared the affirmations of love with me and I’ve kept it with me since:) So thank you. I was dating a turd at the time and our relationship was on the outs…and the love affirmations helped discover what I preferred in a relationship. I still remain a mix of quality time and acts of service:)
Oh! Btw I’ll be looking in by book cabinet to ensure I don’t have your book. Ha! I want to think you loaned me this book & I may not have returned it. 🤭
LOL, no worries. I think I have items strewn across the entire southside but it makes me feel like I have at least left my mark. 🙂
As much as I’ve come to enjoy the blogs, Reading is still not my first choice to spend my free time, but I’ve heard close to a half dozen people discussing their love language and how it’s helped their relationships. I’ll be picking up a copy of Gary Chapman’s book soon, and if this is as insightful as I’m hearing, I’ll be thanking you later! 😊
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