I’ve been a part of and/or had a front row seat to many relationships across the span of 4 decades. As the youngest of a family of 4 in the 80s, from fictional to functional, from Dallas to The Cosby Show & all things between, I would venture to say I’ve seen it all. Disappointingly, the couples that emitted a loving energy could be counted on both hands.
From what I can tell, the deciding factor between relationships that stick and those that don’t comes down to one simple decision: one or both parts decide that life outside of the union is a better option over the bullshit of the relationship or they decide the b.s. outweighs the possibility of living (and growing old) alone. For the ones who choose the latter, I believe they must repeatedly make that decision every.single.day….even the stormy days. (Or, rather, especially the stormy days.)
I’ve been the former part of that formula, choosing singledom over a partnership more times than not. I used to think this made me the strong one, when compared to women who stuck with their husbands through indiscretions (namely, infidelity). Now I realize that everyone is just doing their best in any given moment in time when faced with having to make a decision. Faking happiness while my children were growing would have been a less selfish, more monetarily stable decision, but I couldn’t stand raising my children around pretend love. Who is to say which act is stronger?
There was a time in my life when other women who were contemplating divorce were sent to me as a form of moral support. (I’m confident that my image resides on Pro-Divorce propaganda somewhere out in the world.) I remember once when my sister vented about yet another thing wrong in her 19 year marriage, I blurted out that she should either do something about it or decide to keep bitching about it every day for the rest of her life. She eventually left the father of her 5 children, disrupting the continuity of life in exchange for her joy. Is she happier now? I have no clue. I think she stopped griping to me after that episode.
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I can only speak to what I have learned, which is, surprisingly (and yes, is hard for me to admit) …I still have a romantic heart. Even having been raised mostly outside of church walls, I happen to know and resonate with a line in Corinthians about love never failing. I can’t help but adore the high vibe energy floating around at weddings, even if the odds of the couple ending in divorce outweighs the fairy tale version. Since I am not receiving any royalties off my Pro-Divorce posters out there, I might as well go ahead and admit that I truly would rather all couples that are still in love to remain in tact and happy versus suffering the deep, crappy trenches of divorce.
I’ve been told that I’m in love with the beginning of love…meaning the starting, magical, spark igniting moments of relationships, but not necessarily the whole package. I’ll admit that the first tastes of love are more delicious than some of the tribulations that pop up later down the road. So, when a post-divorce friend brought the idea of a book celebrating the beginnings of beautiful relationships to me, the concept made sense. After muddling through ugly divorces, my friend and I still find the magical moments of solid unions heart-warming and adorable. Shining a light on the happy side of love could surely help a few hearts in the world.
The first couple I would like to honor are my parents. They are nearing 60 years of marriage. They have raised 4 children to adulthood, all of which have yet to be arrested (to this day), so good on them. My mom always giggles while telling this story and always makes sure to emphasize the main hook…Dad’s blue eyes. Mom walked down to Dad’s house to ask to pay for a daily ride to high school. She knew his sister so it was all legit. When he looked up from the car he was working on, his face was soiled with dirt, except for his ocean blue eyes. That first pupil embrace shook Mom to her core and the rest is history. Of course she got the ride. They both dated other people and then, inevitably, each other. Mom went on a date with another guy after she felt that dad was moving too fast. After one kiss with that other choade, she knew she had made a mistake. They squeezed in a matrimony on December 27th to ensure a tax deduction.
My mom has confided that there were some rough years along the way. It also couldn’t go unnoticed how determined she was to make my sister and I complete school so as to not need to rely on someone else for money. Like no one, not ever. Mom says her marriage had a time of renewal when the last kiddo (yours truly) finally left the house. To this day, every conversation I have with my mom is sure to include a complaint about something Dad did or said or didn’t do or say, but I figure at some point she decided dealing with Dad’s b.s. was simply better than the alternative. Obviously, he did the same.
The fam celebrated Mom and Dad’s 50th anniversary nearly 10 years ago. My parents sound like teenagers when they recall their first encounters. I am anxious to research more beginning moments to unions that have stood the test of time. I believe that sharing happy stories of love will benefit me and anyone who takes the time to focus their mental energy upon joy..
I love your idea of celebrating the beginnings of beautiful relationships! I do know several and also love love!
My folks met on May Day, 1949 at a weekly dance at the YWCA in Indianapolis … married September 3 … She was 15, turned 16 that August, and stayed married until the day he died in 1989. Mom found love again, remarried, and after 17 years, buried her second husband. Now 86, almost 10 years and 30 years (respectively) later, the love and grief are always with her.
My in-laws were 12 years old when they were boyfriend and girlfriend, married at 19, raised 5 children, and quite in love when he died of cancer at age 80. She still grieves at 93.
My own whirlwind love started with a dance in a bowling alley in July, 1978, married in December, raised three kids, and 41 years later
in a new season, enjoying my grandkids.
Women are strong by nature. We survive births. Deaths. Staying. Leaving. We survive love. Yes, even love. New and renewed love is amazing and ignites the fires, no matter how many years. Sustained love, commitment, honor, respect, all of these and more, keep the fires burning forever. We are strong enough to choose our path and what’s right for us. We are strong enough to grieve our losses and continue on in life and love.
Thank you for reading and sharing! My parents were 16 and 18 when they were married. When I look at my own kids who are those ages right now, I couldn’t fathom them entering a life long commitment. Your words about women being strong obviously resonate with me as they were my notions when choosing a name for this website. While our physical doesn’t always elude to the fact, our inside grit is powerful.
I loved reading about ur personal experiences! &Yes, married life changes daily, monthly & yrly. So this is how I’m sustaining my 1st marriage of 38yrs too infinity! Take it 1 day @ a time, w an open mind, & an optimistic attitude. Bc: “U have 2b in it, to win it, every hr, of everyday”! By being the bigger person more often than not, & giving more than u take, By toughening up ur heart & soul, & don’t take ur spouses words, differences, or their dumbass attacks personally, or too much to heart! 😉 & by forgiving & forgetting… often, & by telling urself “This is just a bad day, not a bad life”! “The grass is not, always greener on the other side” & last but not least, “I’ve already put yrs into training this one, & by now, I no what to expect from this one, & I know how to handle & deal w their idiosyncrasies”…True story of helpful hints, that I shared w my hubby Bruce, So we both practice this method, of our 38yrs together & counting… 🙂
Thanks for stopping in, Cindy! I love the reminder you had about it not being a bad life but simply a bad day. I try to bring it down to an even smaller amount of time if I can…for example, it was a bad morning or hour but the day still had some nice moments. I have about 6 stories in process right now but would love to touch base with you about how you and Bruce met.