The Strength to Say No
I am typing in Tamarindo, Costa Rica- just one of the stops I have made on a trip I decided to purchase post break up / prior termination. My 28-year-old niece planned an itinerary for the week of vacation for me, her mom, her best friend and herself. I paid only the slightest bit of attention to what was going down this week, although she texted it about a month ago. I honestly appreciated the opportunity to not think for awhile. Today, the full implications of not reading the details of travel plans came into full realization.
Day 4 of the trip consisted of a sunset cruise ending in snorkeling. I passed up the chance to snorkel for a walk on the beach, misunderstanding that it was training for a “more intense” (as my niece called it) Day 5. We were picked up at 7 am to go snuba diving. My belief was that this was going to be way different than scuba diving. In my head, this equaled safer: life jacket on, tethered to a boat with multiple get-out-of-jail-free passes if need be. During the debriefing, I began to realize that this was not the case. Instead, snuba diving’s slight differences from scuba diving are that divers aren’t going as deep down into the ocean (‘only’ 20 feet below) and the oxygen tank is on a float instead of worn on the back. Everyone around me was super stoked to go jump into the Pacific Ocean with no life jacket to look at sharks close-up. It took me exactly the amount of time it took to ride the boat to the drop spot to convince myself that I had zero excitement about what was about to take place.
See these ladies to the left? None of them are me. When it came time to gear up and jump in, I decided to just say no, even though I had already paid over $100 for the activity. My sister-in-law made sure I was firm in my decision, saying she didn’t want me kicking myself for not doing it after we got back to dry land. I stopped and contemplated this possibility and I absolutely was peaceful with a decision to not struggle to live for 30 minutes. She mentioned checking this off of my bucket list and I realized that underwater activities were never on my list to begin with. I view swimming as a means to an end, i.e. get to the other end of the pool, cool off from tanning in the sun, or continuing my existence. Wearing weights to purposely sink lower into the deep blue sea mixed with the need to equalize the pressure put on ears by doing so are literally activities that clash with the natural instincts that I have developed throughout the course of 41 years. My reason for going to a beach is to enjoy the vitamin D that is not always prevalent in Indiana and to inhale some of the precious element of clean, fresh oxygen. These were both goals I could achieve by not jumping off of the boat.
I grabbed a cold water from the cooler, my spf 50 and my sunglasses and experienced my happy this morning, which was a happy that was different than every other person around me. This brought to mind how many times I’ve recently seen articles and posts about the importance of saying no, and, no, I haven’t been resurrecting old Nancy Reagan propaganda. The focus audience of these articles has been women, because, for the most part, we are the sex that tries to do as much as possible to keep everyone happy and everything running smoothly-at work and at home. My mother, at age 71, still has to be reminded when the phone rings while she’s watching one of her shows (be it American Idol, Who’s Got Talent or Days of Our Lives) that she doesn’t have to answer. The needs of the person on the other end of the call do not supercede her choice of what to do in that moment for her happy. If it is an emergency, the caller will make it known. To frame this in the non-selfish way, I would feel more respectful by giving my full attention to someone when I am willing and able. Rather than grumbling while the phone rings or when the group text comes in and then thinking about what else I need to be doing while communicating with the someone who contacted me at an inconvenient time, I have begun giving myself permission to say no to communicating until the time is right for me.
The chick on the left is me, the bad ass me, who has arrived to the time in my life that I don’t feel guilty when I decline event invites just because I feel like doing nothing and staying home. No, I’m not too busy, yes, I could squeeze that in, but if spending time alone at the gym or curled up on the couch is what makes my soul happy, then, dammit, the people who truly care about me will be ok with it. Sure, this does mean that the only friends I have left are the ones who would cancel dinner plans with me to spend the evening binging on Netflix and I have to be just as accepting when others get their selfish happy on. I feel like I’m committing blasphemy to even admit to this, but I have started feeling empowered by not attending all of my children’s sporting events. I used to experience much shame with this offense, but have come to the understanding that my son’s desire to freeze his ass off on an Indiana April night to hold the fort down at second base does not mean I have to endure the pain that couples his desire.
With work and family schedules, free moments are at a minimum. Choosing my own happy in each day and each moment has not made me popular. I’m pretty sure if they handed out a reward for the Biggest Weenie on the Boat today, I would have won. I have to remind myself often to make what makes me happy the basis of my choices. I discern that this seemingly selfish choice actually benefits those around me. When I make sure that my vibration is high, I will be more able to bring positivity to those around me. Today, while the divers were all 20 feet or more below me, I appreciated my moments alone. There was a time in my life that I would have succumbed to the snuba dive because I was outnumbered or I would have chickened out and felt embarrassment. Today was different. Today I had the strength to choose my happy by saying no. Today felt good.
Amen