What Not to Do -
The First in a Series...
I just realized this morning that I will be living alone with three teenagers come September. This thought occurred after my 14-year-old got out of our car to head into school, leaving me with these refreshing words: “I literally hate my life. It’s just annoying.” She said this in response to our passenger door intermittently deciding when it wants to cooperate with us -which luckily for her older brother was about 15 minutes before this stop but unluckily for her, not now. A little earlier during the same car ride, I had shared the following Abraham-Hicks words of wisdom with her and her younger brother, “Life is supposed to be fun. We make too big a deal out of everything.” My words had been in response to the youngest getting angry that his sister had left her backpack in the back seat while she sat shotgun. And so, my weekday morning began with these fresh breaths of air that I have the joy of claiming as my children.
While I’m discovering that teenagers are more dramatic in their speech than other humans, their tone and general output does not deviate much from the norm of the general public. Noticing this more often than not led to the topic of this blog.
I’ve heard it said many times, and repeated it many more, “You don’t know what you want until you know what you don’t want.” I have taken this a step further in my life in that while I don’t have many things figured out, (the exact five that I do I wrote about in my Life Certainties blog), I have definitely become an expert on some What Not to Dos. My first book I plan to publish is What Not to Do to Create Success in your Small Business. I also have sequels in mind: What Not to Do when Picking a Spouse, What Not to Do when Choosing a Career and What Not to Do when Buying a House. While I don’t have a blue print to follow on any of these subjects, I sure as heck know what paths to avoid.
In the meantime this is a blog, not a book, so I’m going to focus on one itty bitty point with vast implications: What Not to Do When Talking. If you know me at all, you know I’m not talking about cursing as I strongly believe a properly placed naughty word can make a point perfectly while simultaneously being hysterical. Instead, I’m finding it important to be mindful of the words that spew out of my mouth.
Although science classes were the reason I opted to cancel my major in veterinary studies after one week in, I did catch a few lessons. We know that sound, like colors and tastes, are created by vibrations. Our words and thoughts are no different. Vibrations have energy and energy has power. Therefore, our words and thoughts have power. Many times words are said with nary a pause before their release, but they still have an impact.
Though science classes were the reason I opted to cancel my major in veterinary studies after one week in, I did catch a few lessons. We know that sound, like colors and tastes, are created by vibrations. Our words and thoughts are no different. Vibrations have energy and energy has power. Therefore, our words and thoughts have power. Many times words are said with nary a pause before their release, but they still have an impact.
When I listen more than I talk, I’m sincerely hard-pressed to find even 50% of the words around me to be positive in nature. When my daughter makes a mistake, she says jokingly, “I’m stupid.” This sends shudders down my spine. She also is guilty of the, “Of course!” when something goes wrong, meaning she expected it. I overhead a friend the other day lament, “I hate these shoes, they are so loud when I walk!” And then, a few hours later she said, “My feet hurt.” I told her that sounded about right based on her words earlier in the day. When a person sneezes, my mom will immediately comment that she hopes they aren’t coming down with something serious. And the mom of an athlete this weekend, upon her son hurting his foot, said that she knew it was broken. Thankfully, it turned out to be torn ligaments instead of a break. So, while I know that all of our words and thoughts do not manifest, some things are better left unsaid. In other words, the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” actually isn’t just advice for kids. There is enough contrast in life that I have to wonder, do we really need to add to it with our vocabulary?
Personally, I find the hardest part in this equation to be when I need to vent. I know that I can gripe about an issue and find understanding and agreement in another. But the relief is only temporary. While I may feel better in the moment, I have added momentum to the negative energy of the issue. I have recently experimented with taking a moment to decide if I want to share some less-than-awesome information. I pause button, breathe, and let the moment pass. It feels empowering to not give into the temptation – to not give power to the negativity. I have found the situation seems to dissipate more quickly than ones I egg on with my conversations.
Choosing the quiet road isn’t easy. I have had some heavy issues weighing on my mind for the last couple of days. Not bad, but just deep enough that I knew if I spoke about them, I would start a bitch session. I bit my tongue when an opportunity presented itself to divulge. This later resulted in me being told that I haven’t been myself lately, have been too quiet and have ‘changed’. The other side of this choice is always speaking the positive side in a conversation and teetering on the fine line somewhere between braggart and Pollyanna.
There is a challenge going around to not complain for a whole day. I find this easier to accomplish when I’m alone since talking to others = connecting, talking to yourself = crazy. I don’t know if I have made it an entire day without some negative speak about something. I live in Indiana, remember, so the weather alone creates the need to spontaneously burst into fits of pessimistic cursing. I do, however, know now that since negative-speak is on my radar, I catch myself in the early stages. It is almost humorous when I begin to utter some less than pleasant words and my mind puts my mouth in check. When others are on a negative rampage (especially my children) I envision myself in a large bubble that words cannot penetrate and just let them vent. They have too much momentum to be told not to speak negatively and just need to get it out. (I can invite them to this blog post at some point later in time). I listen, but try not to interject, which would add fuel to their fire. When there is an appropriate break, I completely change the subject to something altogether off topic of their rant. I don’t see this as non-empathetic because helping a person lean more in the direction of a positive mind-frame must be beneficial.
Just as I haven’t perfected the art of raising teenagers nor the way to find a perfect mate, I do not claim to have non-bitching and complaining down to a science either. Still yet, being cognizant of the power of words and keeping my mind positively turned has finally helped me arrive to a What TO Do.
I appreciate your insights, and can relate to “fueling the negative” by adding our own issues. Like yourself. I am also a huge proponent of the distraction method, not only with my kids, but coworkers seem to need diffused quite often as well. Thanks for sharing your experiences, and your humor. I enjoyed the smile, as I could picture you mentoring your beautiful kids on a less than perfect day. And I truly enjoyed relating your experiences to those of my own, and found comfort in thinking, “It’s not just me.”
Thanks for taking the time to read, Fred. It’s definitely not just you; I’m pretty sure all parents are in this together.