Balance
I have a friend who chooses one word to focus on for the year instead of writing a list of New Year’s resolutions. When she told me this idea, it resonated with me because my scattered mind has a better chance of focusing on one word instead of a list of goals. Of course I didn’t do the normal thing and commit to it back in January, but lately, when the word “Balance” kept being at the forefront of my thinking, I had to take notice. Since the end of June, I have moved for the second time this year, started a new job and tracked down 9 years worth of paperwork for an ever-changing court date. All the while, I am still trying to uphold the role of Mom and continue working out and writing, my activities for the heart. I have come to believe that the key to “the good life” is achieving balance, yet, balance seems to often elude me. It is the finish line that, like that court date, continues to move further ahead the closer I get to it.
Per my usual inclination to put myself behind the 8 ball, I chose to move into a house that needed every square inch of it redone. The house had previously been a rental and then, apparently, a house for squatters (who possessed no toilet cleaning concerns), and then boards and screws were put up on any opening to the house to keep out anything alive. I am still not able to tell my daughter that feces was on the floors the day I perused the place. I saw this and, per usual, a force inside of me yelled, “Sign me up!”
Instead of spending equal amounts of time working on the house, writing, reading, working out and enjoying the summer time with my children, I chose to barely see the light of day for over two months straight. I sanded hardwood floors & kitchen cabinets, repaired holes in walls and painted until at least 3 am every day (minus the 3 day binge watching of the new season of Orange is the New Black). My focus on one thing whacked me out of my life balance with all of my other interests. I reflected and noticed that this all or nothing lifestyle has kicked me in the ass in many aspects. I’ve even fallen victim to it every time I’ve been in a serious relationship-pushing all of my interests to the side and somehow morphing my partner’s dreams and aspirations into my own. I always regret this lack of balance because, despite the one thing that received all of my attention being brought to completion, the activities left untouched harnessed feelings of guilt.
However, I am now inspired with an idea.
Every day my travel time to my new job is different. The location doesn’t change, but the traffic is inconsistent. I leave for work at least an hour before a supposed 40 minute drive. When I arrive early, I see it as a gift of time. No matter how much extra time I am afforded, I spend the first 15 minutes meditating. In essence, in an effort to accomplish more, I spend 15 minutes a day doing nothing-not even thinking. Especially not thinking. My aforementioned scattered mind tries to think during meditation, but I don’t follow the path of the planning/plotting/daydreaming it tries to lead me down. Instead, I listen to cars and machines and birds and guide myself to think of Nothing. I might imagine swaying grass or sitting on the beach with the sun warming me, but if my trickster brain starts to take that as an invite to plan a vacation, I change focus to a sound that brings no thoughts with it. Abraham Hicks suggests listening to the sound of a fan or air conditioner or dripping water. I have loaded an app on my phone called Relax Melodies that I utilize when my mind is uncontrollable.
Ironically, this time that would look like napping to a passer-by, has helped me move towards more balance. Additionally, some really cool things have occurred since I’ve begun. A family member called out of the blue, having found my name listed on my state’s unclaimed money website, https://indianaunclaimed.gov. Even more, I had the opportunity to save my batteries for a night. 🙂 (See previous post Battery-Operated Fun). I used to think that meditating had to be cross-legged with the mantra of “Om” and that I couldn’t get my mind to hush, but I was wrong on all of those points. To a Christian, meditating would be equal to ceasing prayer to God to get quiet to hear Him. I have not heard anything yet-I simply feel peace.
My inspired plan is to progress on ONE thing every night, instead of all things on every night, or being hell bent on bringing something to completion with a do or die attitude. What’s my rush anyhow? If you think about it, we will never get it all done because we are always striving for the next thing. Why would I want to get it all done anyways? Having a goal and projects ahead of me is what keeps me moving forward. The finish line isn’t moving, it’s nonexistent.
I currently have a kitchen that’s halfway done, a bathroom and bedroom with more spackling on the walls than hideous pink/purple paint. I also have three books that I am writing, laundry to be done and an office full of back-to-school night papers that need to find a home. But tonight, I chose to visit my parents and write this blog. I also took a minute to write the Universe my letter of desire for my handsome, respectful companion after busting myself for not taking my own advice two blog posts ago (Letter to the Universe ). That was my progression and balance for Me today (not my employer’s, not my kids’, not my house’s). Laundry and painting will wait for the day I choose to give them my attention.