Living Apart Together
If you ever hear me utter, “I, 100%, without a doubt, will not do that,” and especially if I add absolute resolution to my words, it is nearly guaranteed that I will, in fact, do it. As the statement stumbles out of my mouth, my next thoughts are inevitably ‘well it’ll be fun to sit back and watch how this one plays out’. Today’s topic fails to be the exception.
Being the Quality Time gal that I am (Gift Giving Using The 5 Love Languages), I have always cherished living with my mate. I feel connected to those that share conversations and moments with me. Laying my head down at night next to the one I love feels special and so I’ve always just kind of known a long-distance relationship wouldn’t really be my thing.
And now here I am eating about 98% of those words, the 2% given to the fact that the phenomena of Living Apart Together (L.A.T.) doesn’t have to equate to a long distance. I believe L.A.T. used to be the time period between dating a steady beau and getting married. In my mom’s generation, this time was most likely spent living with parents until the couple was recognized by a marriage certificate. My generation’s L.A.T. time period was often spent living with roommates until vows were exchanged.
On numerous occasions, I have discovered that individuals who have survived decades of a marriage together had their own version of L.A.T.; one half of the union was away for work nearly half of their child-rearing years together. Their time spent apart made time shared more meaningful.
L.A.T. has now morphed into a living arrangement in which two faithful, monogamous adults love the shit out of each other but do not share living quarters. The couple does so for various reasons, but waiting to get married isn’t one of them. The two individuals enjoy dates and vacations and attend family functions together. They also squeeze in the occasional sleep over, selectively only with each other, but they do not cohabitate on the daily.
I always thought that living with your lover just makes good financial sense. Expenses being split equally = less money spent on housing, utilities and groceries. However, I have seen instances with shacked-up couples in which one partner earns the money while the other becomes a dependent (who shops a lot). 9.9 times out of 10, this becomes a point of strife between the couple. L.A.T. seems to be an arrangement that encourages both parties to maintain financial independence.
With that in mind, I wondered if blended families living under one roof could just agree to keep finances separate. For example, each adult would pay a certain set of bills and purchase for their own needs as well as those of their own biological children. It was recently brought to my attention, though, that if the couple maintains divided expenses, an apparent amount of inequality could exist between individuals residing in the same home. If one partner makes more money and/or has fewer dependents, differences in vacations, clothes, education, extra-curriculars, etc. would be evident.
Based on conversations with my chica friends, women are predominantly annoyed by circumstances that occur solely when living with someone. (Disclaimer: I am sure there are an insane amount of instances where the following examples are exact opposite in gender roles, but in my inner circle, house-care responsibilities are usually the female’s domain). For example, I hear:
- The trashcan is right next to the counter, yet trash is found on the counter top. (Why can’t he go the extra foot?)
- There is no appreciation when all the laundry is clean, folded and put away but God forbid that the one shirt he planned to wear is dirty.
- This project was started and never completed.
- It was nice that he cooked dinner but why do I still have to do the dishes?
- He keeps it too cold in the house.
- He gripes when the lights are on (or) he always leaves all the lights on.
- I sleep better alone.
- I wish he would quit moving my shit!!!
Many of these complaints would fall to the wayside with L.A.T. as it’s simply not as easy to stay irritated at visitors.
I remember watching Carrie on Sex in the City move her belongings in with Big while maintaining her apartment as a writing cove. That episode planted an idea that I thought was brilliant but I swore I wouldn’t be able to uphold. 20 years later, I can see that two households doesn’t necessarily exude faith in a relationship, but it undeniably proves intelligence.
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I have started my life over at least three times because I was living in a location that didn’t hold my name. I have given up houses, apartments, rentals and many pieces of furniture, decorations and cooking utensils. My finances and I are exhausted from my previous anti-L.A.T. decisions. Being the true Cancerian Crab that I am, I often need to retract into my own shell. (I can only type and chug caffeine at coffee shops for so long in a given day.) My home is my escape spot when I need to be alone and safe. I admit that there may be a time when I desire to end L.A.T. and commit to sharing a home with a man I love. (Referring back to the first paragraph, since I’ve now written nearly 1,000 words supporting L.A.T., it’s practically a sure thing that I will find myself not participating in it.) But, while I still have children that dwell with me and hormones that blatantly warn me it’s unsafe to be around other humans, I support L.A.T. to the 100th degree.