I’ve pondered a light-hearted post to celebrate half a century of life for a few months now. Hacks I’ve learned along the way, like keeping tweezers as a permanent fixture in the car to remove those stray facial hairs that only appear in perfect sunlight seemed a fun topic. My subconscious wouldn’t let me write that, though, when it knew this was the story I wanted to tell.Â
My children remain hopeful that I’m going to be one of those special humans that live beyond 100 years. They might be right but, even so, I’ve used up about half of my time on Earth. Once the realization of dwindling days hit, I started holding my choices up to a lens: Does this serve the life I desire? Will I be happy if this is how things continue? If nothing changes, am I okay with that? I was no longer able to ignore that the answer in my heart more than a few times was, “No.”
In 2019 I made a public challenge to abstain from alcohol for a month (Una Mes, No Cerveza). In hindsight, this was a clue that I knew I had an issue with the substance. Despite discovering the benefits of detox, I vaulted off the wagon after those 30 days. The following April, obviously still receiving a nudge from above, I wrote Abstaining from Alcohol – Quarantine Style. I surrendered libations for a week, then immediately celebrated the achievement with a Live Enhanced Wine Appreciation on social media. It’s safe to say I still didn’t get it.Â
Missing my son’s Saturday Top Golf birthday outing (that I paid dearly for) due to Friday tailgating didn’t get me to stop drinking. Defecating and vomiting in the passenger floorboard after two bottles of birthday wine also wasn’t my stopping point. Broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a kicked vagina all due to alcohol-induced domestic disputes all caught my attention, but they still weren’t enough to make me put down the bottle. What finally worked? After 2 beers with some pizza on a Sunday evening, I had a 4 day hangover. That quiet voice asked, “Is this existence going to serve you for the next 5 decades?” My sobriety date is October 30, 2023.
After kicking the habit of drinking, I figured life would flow along normally besides that one detail. No one tells you that one step forward starts a momentum of progression. I felt good after becoming sober but not amazing, so I examined the other items I shoved in my pie hole. Replacing the night cap with the nightly piece of pie (or cake or cookies) only works for a little while. After a blood test and lots of research, I decided to give dairy, meat and GMOs the heave-ho. I had never felt better, however, my new way of life was narrowing the path of who joined.Â
At 30, I divorced my children’s father ultimately because my daughter, then 5 years old, witnessed a physical altercation between her parents. Locking ourselves in her Dora-bordered pink & purple bedroom, she questioned why he got so mad. It was important to me that she didn’t view that as normal relationship behavior. I never would have guessed after the struggles of rebuilding a life then, that I would find myself on repeat 20 years later. Different man, same story. As a drinker, I would square up for the challenge when booze evoked the combative versions of us to rear their heads. This led to my aforementioned broken, dislocated and bruised body parts. Sober Amanda was smart enough to harness the dog and leave when I noticed his happy, sleepy drunk had exited the building.
Our relationship was largely built upon enjoying drink and food together. With those experiences being vastly altered, there was a shift, but I honestly thought I would continue my next half century just keepin’ on. Rebuilding a life again seemed a harder option than digging my heels in and carrying on. Once my stepson was diagnosed with leukemia, I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. How could any problem I had compare with cancer? I turned inward – journaled, became obsessed with yoga, was vigilant about daily dog walks. Writers love sharing words, though. My heart knew a future life of suppression wouldn’t serve me. I didn’t know our last argument was going to close a chapter of my life. There were no fists drawn, no plan set out beforehand. I attempted a hard conversation. “FUCK YOU! FUCK OFF! You need to figure your shit out!” was the response. And so. I did.
This time I answered before that quiet voice had a chance to inquire. No, I wasn’t going to be okay with that being my subsequent 50+ trips around the sun. Anyone who disrespected me, whether they shared my bed or simply my air, lost the privilege of my attention. Enough time had been wasted on that energy.
Have I finally done some work on figuring out why I gravitated towards the men that I did? Yes! Am I completely healed? No, but on the road to finding my way. Life is simple now. Meditation, good coffee, yoga more days than not, definitely a walk with my dog. Healthy groceries, delicious mocktails, shared meals with my children and friends, a large portion of reading, hustling to make sure the bills are paid. Loneliness crosses my path ever so often. Raw doggin’ life out here, no numbing vice to turn to, I have to really sit in my emotions. And then… they pass. Will I be happy if this is how things continue? If nothing changes, will I be okay with that? Abso-fucking-lutely.
I’m not a drinker as you know. But I am so happy and proud of you for standing up for yourself! I am in that “is this how I want life until I die” mode too. And no, it definitely is not. I am finding stuck between a rock and a hard place has been my home for way too long. I want to actually experience joy. I got to deep thinking the other day and realized that I have NEVER experienced joy. That is so sad. So now, that is my mission in my next 50 years……
Girlfriend, jump, dive, shove your way out of the rock and hard place. It is hard, but being unhappy and unsatisfied is even harder, I promise. Let me know how I can help. You, and every human really, deserves for each next year to be better than their last.
You ARE a strong woman! Jon and I follow you – how could we not follow our flower girl!
You have our love and prayers.
Ronda and Jon Burroughs
Awwwwww. I’m smiling ear to ear now. 🙂 I attended one of my past 2nd grader’s weddings this summer and she told me she loved reading my blog. I immediately felt guilty – it had been months since I carved out time to sit to write. I think I was scared of what would come out. Thank you so much for stopping in. You have my love and prayers twicefold!