I have felt cute a few times in my life, even pretty a time or two. However, currently on any normal given day, I could pass for a homeless person. I don’t have anything against homeless people, of course, I just happen to know not brushing my hair in the morning and adorning my body in clothing that has paint on nearly every thread doesn’t exactly put off the look of ‘effort’ and fucks given. I do actually give some fucks; I don’t want to smell off-putting or anything, but I just don’t like to waste time. Getting into non-paint clothes and washing paint off of my body just seems futile on most days if I’m just going to get into more of the same.
Yeah, that pic is me on a random given cold-ass, Indiana workday (cringe). My friend posted it on social media without filters or a heads-up. While it makes me second guess my fucks given before I leave the house, I wasn’t vain enough to delete the picture. And it’s fair- when I don’t take the time to present my best self, I don’t exactly expect to look my best. What isn’t fair is when I have taken the time to freshen up and still take pics like this next one…
I’ve decided this picture is not fair. On this particular day, I had taken the time to make myself presentable, and… I was happy (italicized because I know the picture argues the emotion haggard instead). It was my daughter’s 18th birthday and we were celebrating the fact. This snap proved to me that not only do I own the all-popular Resting Bitch Face, but also that what I see in the mirror is not the same face that turns up in my pictures. To me, it comes down to this: I am undeniably not Photogenic. Instead, I’m Real-a-Genic. It’s whatever, though. The people who know me in real life may have caught glimpses of my sometimes cute moments and for the others, there’s always filters.
Surrendering to a lack of picturesque-ness though, didn’t take away my curiosity. The hippy in me never wanted to spend money on sexy clothes, but she still wondered if it were possible to pull off sexy in a picture. In July of 2020 I checked in with a photographer whose work had impressed me. I believe I saw pictures she had taken of one of my friends. The main thing that stood out was that she was able to make “normal” non-model types look beautiful in pictures. I followed her work and aligned with her beliefs and energy, namely, that everyone is beautiful as-is. It took 2.5 years for the stars to finally align my money, curiosity and courage.
If I’m to be honest, a small part of me planned the sexy pics for my man; I mean, if I were single, I probably would feel silly having prints of myself to gander while I hung out at my house alone with my dog. The larger part of me, though, realized these pictures were actually for me. I needed to remind myself that I am pretty underneath the paint, and mommin’ and grindin’ and stress that 46 years of a blessed, yet uncushioned life, yields.
I was excited for the day to arrive and felt extremely comfortable during the whole to-do. I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves at times during the shoot but never felt weird or like I had to act artificial. Since the day I received my images, I have been telling all of the ladies in my circle (ahem, this includes you, one of the 12 subscribers who is reading this at this very moment) that boudoir pictures are a must-do. Everyone is truly beautiful, but most people need a reminder of that fact. I finally had proof in my hands that I can actually be pretty (dare I say sexy, even) in print. While doggedly balancing Work & Parenting & a Relationship & a little Self-Care, I can still see a glimmer of attractiveness in there. While not actively holding myself to my own imposed standard of running a mile a day or some otherly-imposed standard of filling in wrinkles and lips or perkin’ up the ta-tas, I can still achieve a look of alluring, albeit with a few fucks given & just the right angle, lighting and photography talent. I found an artist who captured a Real-a-Genic, Photogenic moment of me. It made me feel confident. It made me feel happy.
On the nights leading up to what turned out to be my most prepared Valentine’s Day to date, I let this happy momentum flow by typing up 10 things I appreciate most about my Guapo Amigo.  On the big 2/14, I texted the pics, one an hour to him while he was working. His reactions made me feel warm and fuzzy all day. Once he was home and properly intrigued, I presented him with the prints and notes. Â
I discovered that in the time spent pondering the qualities that I appreciated most in My Man, I was focused on love. This vibration then perpetuated more love. I know this is science, but it still seems magical. I remember the photographer of my shoot said that she loves love. Her work definitely set that energy into motion in my relationships, both with myself and my lover. I hope in writing this, more love is sent out for other Real-a-Genics who may also need a little reminding. Â
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