If you are here reading ‘The Woman Strong’ I would wager that you are female. If you happen to be male, just here gaining insight, kudos to you, man! I’m worried about making men feel ‘on blast’ with this post. I am forthright in admitting that I, as well as my circle of chicas, have faults. With this blog, I’m sharing events that I’ve personally experienced &/or heard when I served as a listening ear. In these cases, the grievances remained consistent along gender lines. I’m sure the roles have been and are reversed somewhere out there.
When my first son was born, I was blessed to be able to take a year off work. With my second, I was savvy enough to know I would get credit for 180 days of work if I showed up for 120 of those days. Therefore, my daughter and I had double the standard time employers afford new moms with their babies. Regardless of this, when I returned to teaching, I felt like I was missing her milestones. When I was home with her, I felt guilty about what I was letting fall between the cracks at work. I remember praying in desperation for a solution to this tug-of-war on my mind & heart. The answer came in a job-sharing opportunity the following school year. I enjoyed this schedule with 2 little ones at home, and then my 3rd came along. After the 6-week medical leave, I returned to the classroom for my whopping 2.5 days of work. I laid my head on my desk and sobbed on Day 1.
I recovered from that breakdown and found job-sharing to be a perfect solution for a mom with young kids not yet in school. I had just enough time away from my kiddos to feel in touch with a world outside of diapers while I also felt I was making an impact in my own children’s development. Work-wise & parenting-wise, I felt balanced. Relationship-wise, though, this was the beginning to the end. Apparently, when my income dropped, my ex-husband’s power and control increased (albeit in his mind only). There seemed to be some unwritten rule that the primary bread-winner in the relationship had the upper-hand and last say-so in all decisions.
Needless to say, as a grown (ass) woman & mother of 3 who had single-handedly put herself through graduate school, I didn’t allow my voice to be shut down easily. (Please note: If I had simply been a grown human with no kids or degree, taking care of my own needs, I still would & should have had a voice.) Along with my role as Mom, I still earned a part-time teaching income, and yet, participated in multiple arguments over what brands and items could be purchased with my money.
Many families realize the advantages to Mom staying home to rear babies. Day care + job-related expenses such as transportation, clothes, lunches & pitch-in gifts, are nearly an even wash with one income. Furthermore, children being raised in their own homes by someone who loves them is developmental gold. (This person could be the father or a grandparent but a cord literally has to be cut for the baby to detach from the mom so can we just agree that the mom/child bond is simply a little extra?) Many times, Mom surrenders all or part of her income while Dad supports the decision and then slowly converts to “King of the House.”
The main money-maker touts this trump in all arguments. Imagine a dick-swinging contest with only one contestant. Many women find means to earn spending money or to help make ends meet in tandem with parenting. Yard sales, selling products online or within pyramid schemes and off-hour retail positions are all methods used to add to the family wallet. However, the amount made is scoffed at with its gross comparison to “The King’s” full-time income. Never mind the fact that his income couldn’t be what it was if he didn’t have built in, free child-care.
Another very common (and personal) occurrence is a stay-at-home mom helping her husband’s career. She usually helps with accounting or another subset of the company that can be maneuvered from home. If the relationship ends, the woman is out of a job with a necessity to enter the workforce quickly. This usually means earning less-than-desired and less-than-deserved pay.
Providing an allowance, just to bring up how it isn’t being spent properly, is another tactic used by “The Crown.” Car keys and debit cards taken and cell phones destroyed are more methods. A verbal assault about any and all topics that are close to a person’s heart, mind & soul is another modality used to exemplify dominion. Put-downs about the quality of a woman’s mommin’ skills or her weight are classic examples.
All of this boils down to one individual wanting to assert control over another adult. When the “Royal One” feels he or she is losing the battle, anything and everything will be attempted. Physical attacks & death threats are the ones that stick out in my memory.
Obviously, all of this is ghastly and horrid and I’m over it. But, my goal isn’t to hash up old memories because continued focus there does no one any good. Instead, I hope to encourage an attention toward a better future for myself, my daughter & future generations of women. Relatability brings support, power and progression. I hope others who are on the receiving side of exerted control feel strength in knowing they are traveling a road paved by so many others who came out better on the other end. Many people stay in a sorry situation longer than they want because of the kids and money. (It’s not the easiest thing to break away from “His Highness” when you have no income and need living space for more than yourself.)
If money wasn’t an issue, I haven’t met a woman who wouldn’t want to provide a temporary home for displaced women while they get back on their feet. I firmly commit to helping women leave shitty situations when I am able. Since money is, in fact, an issue to most of us, I suggest we start by giving other women a break.
If your partner cheated, please remember to have equal amounts of resentment for him as you do his mistress. Is your new beau telling you how his evil ex is spreading lies about him? Stop & think before you hate the woman (you have probably never met) due to hearing a single side to a multi-faceted story.
How about we give other women the benefit of the doubt that they are doing their best instead of judging how we would have handled a situation differently? How about giving that lady a compliment about her hair, nails, size & promotion instead of feeling envious? How about recognizing that when we unite, we are stronger?
Thank you for sharing! ❤️
Thank you for reading. 🙂