Boobie Button
Recently one morning, my youngest barged through the bathroom door while I was sitting on the toilet. My first gut reaction was anger because I can count on my hands the number of uninterrupted restroom breaks I’ve been granted since I became a mom. I hadn’t relished even one drop of coffee yet, so I wasn’t awake enough to repeat the lesson he had heard numerous times before. I just started to wipe and listened to what apparently needed my immediate attention.
Upon taking his school uniform out of the dryer, my kiddo had discovered that the center of the button on his shorts had melted, detaching it from the bottoms he needed to step into before we departed in 5 minutes. When he exasperatingly handed me the button, I replied, “You just made me so happy.” You can imagine his surprise, especially since I was still pre-flush and my path to the espresso machine was now detoured to find a needle and thread. To debunk the theory that I’ve completely lost my mind, allow me to share the precursor to my delight over a deteriorated button…
On my drive to work one day back in April, I listened to Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, tell a story about a time when she prayed for a sign for something beautiful. Minutes later, she walked out of a downtown New York post office and saw five magnificent elephants walking down the street. After hearing her story, while shuffling into the “Staple Job,” I spoke a desire out loud: “I want to see an elephant.” A few times during the day, the wish crossed my mind again. It was moreso a playful pondering verses a determined thought. Later that evening, while shopping with my daughter, I found the random elephant candle in the picture above. I had asked and I had received. This made me float on air. I recall my sheer happiness from the moment I found that candle each time I light it.
Fast forward 6 months and I have felt like my happy is broken. I haven’t had a good, hearty laugh in I don’t know how long. I feel as if I have forgotten how to have fun. This swing towards negativity started with losing my job, as 3 weeks with no income certainly has an affect on your mood. (I’ve come to believe that anyone who says money doesn’t buy happiness is just plain full of shit btw; Being able to afford a vacation to the beach right about now would definitely put a smile on my face.)
I thought my detachment from the world around me could be blamed on PMS, but my Period Tracker app is assuring me that the time after Auntie Flo has departed isn’t the time for an emotional upheaval. So, I’m pointing my finger at lack of money and a daily grind in a rat race that has no end in sight.
Adding to my despair, last week I was called back for a diagnostic mammogram. This, then, resulted in an appointment for a needle biopsy in my right ta-ta since cancer can’t conclusively be ruled out. Obviously, I have an opportune time to feel sorry for myself. But there is no power in that…
I’m with it enough to recognize the power of the mind and the human ability to focus. I often listen to Abraham Hicks say that it’s as easy to create a castle as it is a button with our deliberate thinking. I knew that based on my emotional starting point, I had to start small. Every time my mind would begin to even slightly begin a downward spiral, I simply thought of a button. I imagined myself finding a button and how surprised and delighted I would be when the button was finally presented to me. I kept it light-hearted and had faith that a button would show up as a sign that my mental is strong.
On that morning, my button wasn’t delivered in a romantic, whimsical way. It was offered to me in the nitty gritty, mommin’, real-life method. (Should I have expected it to be any other way?) It was a broken off and haggard blessing. During this time that I feel healthy but await a doctor’s interpretation of my health, I have reflected on my life. I’ve considered that each of my days may be numbered. I then realized that regardless of how much time anyone has left, all of our days are numbered; Some people just have an estimate of how many days they have left.
Over the past week, I’ve certainly made sure that each day has included something that I wanted to do, especially on those days that I must do something that I don’t want to do. Last night that looked like a 3 hour nap after a day of Accounts Payable-tonight that is about to look like writing and hanging with my dog, followed by pasta, wine & tiramisu.
I have chosen to view the knee to knee chit chat with the doctor as I did my button: a haggard blessing. This dose of reality has allowed me to come to terms with the fact that I’m not satisfied with how I’m spending many of my hours most of my days. This could be a great excuse to go into a deeper funk or a perfect reason to sincerely offer time to ponder what I would like each of my days left on Earth to look like. Because I have faith in my elephant and my button, I choose the latter.
Great post!! Really enjoyed reading this and hope you find your elephant 🙂 i bet letter to the universe would be good for the soul too.
Thank you, Kelli! You are right about the letter. I forget to update it as life moves forward. I took a day off work to spoil myself so that could be in the works today. 🙂