Present Focus
There’s a topic I struggle with when it crosses my mind. My Zen Me knows the right thing to do in these instances: Turn my attention towards how I would like the topic at hand to actually be. But my Spaghetti-Head Me (also known as my Hormonal Me) insists that I communicate with someone to get the topic out of my system. The sound of my voice yammering about problems causes me to get on my own nerves. And so, here we are. I attempt witty, hopefully positive, anecdotes and offer it up to you. Intended goal: connection & humor.
I forbid myself to vent another word on this subject after I hit publish. (Obviously, other subjects are still up for grabs.) Here goes…
It hurts in my gut, deep & hard, when I think about how much more money I should be making at this point in my life. I know my worth. I know I’m intelligent and strong, both physically and mentally. Yet, I look at my current situation and immediately shake my head at my downright fugly past decisions that have led me right down the path to here.
I’m angry that I was sucked into the college sweep of the 90s and still have the debt to prove it. I can’t remember why working, traveling and discovering didn’t cross my mind as options. Why did I feel the need to rush into adulthood with all of its utility bills and grocery purchasing? If I would have realized that Scantron tests were simply practice for Forbearance paperwork, I might have tapped the breaks on this whole notion of being grown.
(Still venting…) I’m mad at myself for not giving more thought to what field I wanted to pursue. I’m also ashamed that I didn’t think while I was learning. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but I remembered history facts to the 100% mark and then handed in all of my brain power with the final exam. I now find I can access information that I once had memorized more efficiently through Google.
Since anger is a better pit stop than depression (a.k.a. más venting), I’ll go ahead and admit this one: when individuals who are less than my cognitive equals make much more money than me, I self-loathe. I blame growing up in a low-income family for not allowing me to form an abundant, affirmative mentality. Ingrained beliefs about scarcity and the trials of life were repeated on loop. Still, I know to hold no resentment towards my youth, as my family was doing the best they knew how, as was I.
With that off my chest, I am now better able to focus on appreciation. On a Friday in July, I was picnicking on my lunch break, enjoying the short-lived but beautiful Indiana weather. The company adjacent to me was enjoying an outdoor BBQ. Family had been invited; it looked fun. My first thought was that my Staple Project employer would never, ever host something so fun, but then I was able to shift to imagining myself working in a company like my neighbor. When I went inside, I most definitely researched the name of that company and if they had any staffing needs. I didn’t have luck with them, but my employer of 6 months provided a catered, on-the-clock, holiday lunch today followed by staff games and conversations. I literally received my dream-come-true when it comes to enjoying who I work with and for.
I am fortunate for having an employer that allows me to make up hours missed from attending appointments that life oftentimes necessitates. The company also encourages betterment and progression and provides insurance and paid time off. Additionally, exchanging my time for 40 hours in a week isn’t the only avenue in which money flows my way.
Of course I have many more things to appreciate outside of the topic of money, but I’m trying to soothe the thought that remains: I judge myself poorly for not having acquired more money at my age and with my degrees. I realize that I can’t hate on Younger Me because she was doing the best she could with each decision at any given moment in time. Aren’t we all? Younger Me had a track record for solely using her heart to think. I’ve now discovered that decisions are best made when the heart and mind are in harmony.
I’ve cursed my past ignorance and appreciated my present. The next step, where my Zen Me wanted to begin, is focusing on how I want things to be. This post is a nice starting point to not looking back.