Feelin' Essential
I’ve heard it said more than a few times over the past 2 weeks that our current situation feels like a movie. The fact that we are watching this production from the inside is what makes it feel surreal. I’ve experienced an array of emotions amidst the drama, which I would normally credit to my monthly influx of hormones or my self-identification as Extra. However, a global pandemic brings catching feelings to a whole new level. I have had spurts of C.S.M.A.D. to moments of incoherence or numbness as well as severe notions of blah. At times I don’t even know how to feel or think and I’m certain I’m not alone.
My initial reaction when the announcement that e-learning would be utilized so that my children could stay home safe from the rampant virus was relief, along with…jealousy. In our house, we greet mornings with the stone silent haze that accompanies extreme exhaustion or bouts of oozing grumpiness. Our team was built upon despising mornings that begin with alarm clocks. While it is certainly quieter & less crowded facing 6 am alone, let’s face it…misery loves company. I almost smelled the bacon my kids ate in their pjs while they FaceTimed me at work. While I was happy for my children to get some extra, much needed sleep, I wished I could have enjoyed the time with them.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have felt sympathy. My kiddos, especially my high school senior, are missing out on friends, social interaction, learning, spring sports and normalcy. I’m sad for those who were expecting to enjoy happy family gatherings this spring. My heart aches for those who have already been affected by the virus and those that are still yet to be. It seems as if I’m on pause until me or someone close to me contracts the virus. Needless to say, I’ve also felt fear.
I’ve felt depression when I realize that making plans for graduation gatherings, summer trips or college enrollments has been put on hold… indefinitely. Add to that my lack of gym time, leading to a lack of natural endorphin boosts, has had its normal side effect. It is no surprise that I’m not currently operating at 100% optimum for any stretch of time. I try to remind myself to not hold anyone else accountable to do the same.
I’ve also teetered between extreme anger and sincere appreciation over the last 14 days. I’ve never identified with the group of awesome humans who purposely choose to put others above themselves. I have so much respect for firefighters, nurses and doctors because they do what I couldn’t. In full contrast to that gratitude is my shock to find out that an Accounts Payable position at a company that serves some essential businesses would be considered a 40 hour, must-show (same pay) role during a world crisis.
Mixed messages are rampant on the definition of “essential”. I can’t help but think a barista who provides delicious caffeine & pastries may also be wondering how his/her job saves lives. On my drive in to work, I curse my job for possibly risking me & my family, greedy corporations who are taking advantage of a blurry word, and the b.s. & smoke that I feel is being thrown our way daily. I simultaneously praise the blessing to earn a full paycheck during the current situation.
We are still smack dab in the middle of our now with no end in sight. I feel in-limbo, listless, uneasy and unsettled. Still yet, I have found some silver linings to lean on at the end of each day. I have felt moved to thank those working to enable me to purchase what I need, like the young man cleaning all of the cart handles at the grocery store. I can’t ignore the blessing of time that this curse has provided; when all of my kids are home, instead of spread out across the state for sports and events, I’ve been thankful. I haven’t overlooked that there is now time for family walks, new recipes, catching up on movies & house projects. Our family being afforded extra time with our dog has warmed my heart. When I don’t know what to think in any given moment, I remember that not thinking is actually an o.k. thing. This experience has reminded me of the essential importance of meditation for a spaghetti head like me.
Always remember this is not our fault and we may “never no” why this ever happened. Keep your head up and keep praying this is over soon. You do what’s best for you and your Family. 🙏🙏❤
Faith & Focus